Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The day it rained for more than 12 hours

Still very amused on why is there so much beauty in sadness.

It beckons you and slows your pace, to "be still for a spell".

Maybe because when there's such vulnerability, mixed with the right ingredients...

... magic happens.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

"Daddy! Can you push me??"

While i was struggling to catch my breath as i ran, she was so loud and persistent - wouldn't give up until her father gave her what she wanted. Annoying much? It's one of those things that makes you secretly smile too.

It wasn't until we grew a lil older that we discovered that we could do it ourselves. No need to wait anymore, and other kids who are not strong enough to push us high enough and give us the exhilaration we wanted. Was that how it happened? The morphing of a child into a grown-up, selfishness took on a different form and hid itself better, but oh still the same old inside, maybe worse.

Ugliness aside, it'll still be most fun to have a dad who is more than willing to come into our petty playground and push us to the greatest heights.

Apart from his strength, it's because of the love He has for us - the healing balm that soothes us, calms our restlessness and gives us the greatest assurance that everything is gonna be alright.

And that when we call, He would gladly come and pick us up and carry us on His shoulders.

Now, to get down from the swing and start walking again, through the small gate, onto the hard and narrow road to life which strips the self away, in the name of love, becoming like daddy.

P.S: Super quick sketch, and my first time digital-colouring something! Hence the amateur strokes :D 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A new song

In 2011, i've come to know failure and battle. It was the hardest i've had so far (no doubt there'll be more in the future). Was literally driven to my knees daily by desperate tears, fears and hopelessness, and came to that place where i have to cling on to the truth that God was my only hope. It was such a humbling and life-changing experience - i realised i've never really failed in life before.

It was as though God gave me a lil reality crash course on what Joshua experienced - except that Joshua's zeal seemed so consistent in his life and death circumstances, and i was being such a pathetic coward - i barely made it.

But God in His grace and mercy, dragged and pulled me through. Much happened in-between, where God Himself really provided and grant me grace beyond my imagination. And I graduated.

This time, I can truly, really, boast that it was ALL God, none of me, who did this.

Now I understand what this means:
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 
- 1 Peter 5:10

... The person sitting next to me, in an attempt to make conversation, said,  
"So, you're the leadership consultant." (I love that opening line—usually delivered with a hint of sarcasm!) Then he asked, "What do you think is the most important characteristic a leader must possess to be successful?"
My honest response was: "She or he must have been broken—physically, spiritually, professionally, personally, relationally—and then gotten up, dusted themselves off and continued forward with the wisdom from that loss seared in both mind and heart. I would never follow a leader that is unbroken. He or she lacks the compassion and humility to lead others."
John Busacker (Why You Need To Fail on Relevant Magazine)

Oh, and good old Violet :) :
" I feel different. Is different okay?"
- Violet (The Incredibles, 2004)

In the same year, I found rest. Rest, especially from going through change and transitions since coming to U.K. It has been a constant moving and travelling for the past 3 years - moving from house to house almost each year, lost count of how many hostels (thanks to our dear zealous Fiona :), loads of packing and unpacking, hellos and goodbyes, departing and arriving, airports, train and bus stations, different time-zones, languages and cultures, people, seasons and weathers.

I've never felt so worn out, but at the same time i've never felt so lifted and built up.

My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I’m walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out
I need You, oh I need You
Blessed savior come
I need You, oh I need You
Fill the every longing of my soul
Oh how I need You Lord
I need Your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today
And my bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end
A downward spiral of despair
That I keep falling in
Your silence is like death to me
So won’t You hear my desperate plea
Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They are all just passing by
Its not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I’ve been lifted higher
Yahweh’s lifted me in His own strength
Oh how I love You Lord
I love your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see
The God who always will endure
Now I will celebrate
For all the thousand ways
That you have shown me grace
And made my heart in grace to stay
You made my heart in grace to stay
Lord, make my heart in grace to stay
I need You, oh I need You
- I Need You by The Swift 

As i reflected on life thus far towards the end of 2011, wrapped it up, shelved it, said my goodbye to my Egypt and wilderness, I realised what comes next would be a totally different season, i can hardly even begin to imagine how it'd be like.

My word for 2012 is to sing a fresh, new song, one day at a time. "The old has passed away, ... the new has come."

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
- 2 Cor 4:18

Sunday, January 16, 2011

This lil light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine

Carmen placed into my hands her lamp with a broken shade early last year, hoping i could fix it. And it's been hidden under my table, ignored, until early December 2010, it's been given attention to again...


 ...restored, and returned to its rightful owner as an early Christmas gift and a late 21st birthday present. :P

I like how it can be beautiful and ugly at the same time - like us.

And i guess, when something's not very pleasing to the eye, when light shines from within, it becomes something beautiful.
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.  
... we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
- 2 Corinthians 4: 6-9

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A new page

Counting down in Brussels reminded me how everyone is still very human. The squeezing in the tall crowd (as this short Asian girl), finding spaces between tall heads to be able to see what's happening, shouting the numbers, and it's 2011. Scary.

Just because i suddenly had this awareness, accompanied by a tiny wave of fear, of how new, clean, untouched 2011 is. It's the unknown. So much possibilities of change. And just... possibilities beyond imagination. So much uncertainty.

That also means how much further i can go, no limits. Nervous much, but hopeful and a slight tingling of excitement.

And the joy and happiness on everyone's faces! I forgot how stepping into the New Year can bring such an amazing feeling. Remembering how everyone deep down has their burdens to carry, no matter how different and foreign their lives from mine, who they are, where they come from. Novelty brings hope. Clean. Forgiven. A fresh, new chance, to try again. The mistakes and failures everyone carry, their own and the ones against them.

So i guess it's a good thing we live in the dimension of time after all. Of the need to change and keep moving forward. To refuse it is equal to death.

As colours and sparkles exploded in the sky, came the sudden awareness of my existence, and the life that i've had so far. And the thought of becoming a graduate quite soon. 3 years! Nostalgic memories already formed while i was still stuck thinking that i'm new in this foreign world and reality.

3 years ago, i started out like this (almost literally)...

(Photos taken in Newstead Abbey, Nottinghamshire, Sept 2008. And yep, that's really me.)

Sometimes i still do feel like this, shrinking back into that lil girl with much fear. But yes, still in the process of getting over myself, looking beyond, and to leave the nest, take the leap into the air and risks, and soar on wings like eagles.

The more you explore, the world only gets bigger. It's very humbling.

In 2011, I'll learn to embrace more, to joy, and to love beyond. And to venture deeper into the unending reality of Love and Truth, to continually be made new though it hurts, to be strong and courageous in battles, and to be Homeward Bound.

Cheers to the furrows on our brow
To each hard-won victory
Cheers to the losses that grew us up
Killed our pride, and filled our cup

Cheers to the friendships well worn in

That time nor distance alter
Here's to the sleepers we'll see again
Find company in memoria

Open your mouth and sing out your song

Life is short as the day is long
I can't leave you my body
But I'll leave you a tune
This is my legacy
Cheers to you

Cheers to the passing of our youth

And the death of lust not one day
A toast to the lessons not yet learned
And to the trials that will teach them 

- Here's To You by Brooke Fraser

And to remember how beautiful life is, in its messiness, and soak myself in it.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


What can i say... It's another year. again. But it's been a year that has made a whole lot of difference, just because of a lot things understood, learning how to piece the puzzles together to see the big picture. Nothing can really (/is supposed to) stand alone. All of us are still seeking in different ways.

"Oh, so this is how it feels like to be a normal person."

I've always felt like i'm a misfit, an outcast, just...not...normal (abnormal doesn't sound right). (It's been one of my major struggles, trying to figure out why am i not like other people, and trying to be like them, to be how i'm supposed to be, what the adults expect me to be, and then always end up being very angry, disappointed, frustrated, confused at myself.) And later on, am i glad when i found out that i'm not alone, and it's not my fault, and how i'm meant to be different this way for a good reason. I guess all of us have our stories of trying (sometimes too hard) to fit in in one way or another, whether it's been for better or worse.

Recently i was basking in the apprehension and perspectives that i've finally reached and grabbed hold of, complacency kicked in, so did death, eventually, in my moving forward. And Philippians 3: 12-16 meant so much more, that life is not so much in the reaching or achieving, just because it's an ongoing thing, it's more about running and enduring the race, facing and fighting our daily battles. It's about the rising up again when we fall, especially when it happens more than we think we can bear.

It's not so much of "Travel is a means to an end. Home." (-Taken from Ikea's print ad on the London Underground tube map). But it's more of "the journey itself is home." - Matsuo Basho.

Right now, this blog is totally white and blank. But that doesn't mean that it's empty. I assume that you'll be smart enough to press CTRL+A :).

So yes, there's actually more to than meets the eye. Get it? :D

Tell me why do i get so so angryirritatedfrustrated when people are quick to condemn, and don't even desire to understand why, about people, especially children who're misunderstood. It'd really make this world a better place to live in.

So, Malaysia just turned 53 yesterday.

I'd rather us stop building taller, bigger, nicer buildings, and revamp the whole education system so that everybody will learn to start asking questions and to think on their own, and have all political leaders go through an open interrogation with a lie detector and for those who need it, rescue them (and us) from their immaturity.

They say our national anthem is a love song.

Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku,
Rakyat hidup, bersatu dan maju,
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan,
Raja kita, selamat bertakhta.
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan,
Raja kita, selamat bertakhta

I realised after U.K, i now mean every word when i sing it.

It's good to know that there's still a long way for us to go. So much to look forward to. Hmm...

Monday, May 17, 2010

What I've been up to in my room

Just to amuse myself. :P




Pardon the mess. It's been quite awhile since i last had such satisfaction *sigh*, that makes it all worth it. :) (Though i don't know what tomorrow holds, i trust. Glory to Him who has made everything possible! It's been really quite a miracle.)

I know, i know. I'll be back (blogging i mean) after tomorrow, for real :). It's been such an awesome ride, though it didn't feel like it (far from it) when i was in the middle of it. But through it, wow... my eyes opened to so much beauty, epiphanies, of people, of THE BIG PICTURE, of so much! That the more i experienced and understand, the more i am convinced and convicted of this Truth i've been holding on to, the more i am overwhelmed by the beauty of it, the grand scale of it, of how everything unfolds, connects, overlaps... right, my words could hardly do it justice.

I have so much that i want to share, but i have no idea how am i going to put them in words. I doubt i can. Doesn't matter, i'll leave that till another day. 

Or maybe some things are just meant to be felt and experienced, not to be translated into words or understood through them?

But right now, the soundtrack will be this:

Joyful, Joyful
Lord, we adore Thee!
God of glory
Lord of love
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Hail Thee as the sun above
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Drive it away
Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us with the light of day
Light of day!

- Joyful Joyful by Sister Act 2 

Woohoo! Praise the Lord! :)

P.S. : Oh yes, of more recklessness with words when you're happier. I might regret this later, but it doesn't matter. :)