Friday, January 16, 2009

Much Afraid

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."
-Psalm 43: 5

Sigh.

'In-between' periods.

Very much afraid, uncertain, lousy, but grateful.

Looking forward to the day where i'll reach the 'High Places' and be called 'Grace-and-Glory' with 'hind's feet'. (Hind's Feet On High Places)

Long
way to go. If i'll ever reach that is.


“The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.”
- Habakkuk 3:19

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Of new beginnings

The new year resolution dove we made at sunday school with the kids.

Sigh... i'm not sure where to start really.

To be frank, i told myself that i wasn't ready to step into 2009. ("Noooo....not yet!")

But after the countdown, here i am! Already on the 8th day of the year. It's not that bad after all.

There were so many undone things. Things on the to-do list unfulfilled. 2008 just flew by.

I've learnt, and still learning, to take one day at a time. i realised i've been very impatient. Always can't wait to reach the tomorrow, can't wait to reach the last page of the book, can't wait to reach the end of the story.
Now i know why a friend told me in a recent past that i might thought i have succeeded in certain things, but because i missed some crucial steps leading to it, i fell back down again. It didn't make sense to me, now it does. In other words, learning to walk before i can crawl, maybe?

So, i'll always have to remember to live in the now!

Don't focus what i don't have. But what i do have now, make the best out of it!

Again, it's the journey that matters.

2008 was a year of growth and changes. (But in 2009, i want to grow even more, so much more.)

Mostly because of The One Academy, i experienced God's amazing grace and faithfulness in every way. It was hard, one of the most stressful periods in my life. But i've learnt that life ain't gonna be easy. Far too long i've stayed protected in a comfortable, rosy home of mine. But after all the what felt like never-ending challenges, it felt so good. All the hardwork is so worth it. *sigh*.

A part of me wants to go through it again. I want to look back and be satisfied and be proud of how far i've come. But the lazy and cowardy part of me says, "oh come on, you don't wanna get yourself into trouble, you know you'll be exhausted and yearn to be free of worries again."

Then again, i guess God already had other plans for me. Who would've thought i'll come to the UK this soon!

In 2007, i was afraid. Bacause the country is so foreign to me. I was just scared. And now i'm glad i was, if not i wouldn't have been able to go through the TOA life. =)
But in 2008, the thought of studying in UK is starting to look more inviting. Especially after knowing more people who're studying there. It ain't that bad after all. It was all quite sudden to be frank.

Although with all the major changes and lots of new people i got to know, 2008 seemed such a short year now. But it was definitely packed with so many surprises!

I've learnt to let go. Let go of the past, let go of things i hold dear, and to move forward into new places, for my good in the end.

I used to think that experiences doesn't really matter, because of encounters with people who're experienced in life, but has very child-like immature attitude. But after "being a lil more experienced", i'm starting to have some respect for people who are experienced, people who are older than me especially. Experiences does matter alot. Good or bad. It teaches, it sometimes strengthens. Whether the person is teachable or not, is another issue.

i've also learnt that words can be powerful. No, let me rephrase that, words ARE powerful. Words can make or break a person's soul. Yes, spoken words usually appears harmless. But ooohhh...you don't know how destructive it can be (hurting words), how it can influence a person's thoughts towards another person (gossiping). Or how it can change a person's life for the better (positive words, praises). It's amazing how our words can make such a big difference in another person's life. So, think before you let words out your mouth.

I got to know myself more. And i want to know me more this year. Alot of times i know and i don't know myself at the same time.

I also want to:

  • Truly understand what it means to live like a redeemed person. Because i am, in fact, redeemed by His blood.
  • Be more time conscious, living in the now.
  • Be punctual (sigh)
  • Truly understand what it really means to put Him as my first love, loving Him more than anything else.
  • Pray consistently and learn to intercede for others.
  • Be faithful and give my best in everything i do.
  • Share more of myself with people around me (ie.: stop being self-centered.)
  • Truly understand what it really means to have a servant's heart.
  • Grow up.

I wouldn't call them new year resolutions. Because those are choices that i have to choose everyday, for the rest of my life.

i still have a looooonnnnggg way to go. Sigh.

Wait, i should be glad, because that means i still have the chance to avoid the regrets other people have. i couldn't wait to go to the end of the journey again. (xin wei! Remember to take a step a time!)

There're alot of things i don't understand. Though sometimes i think i do, but when someone ask me to explain, i can't really figure out how to place and arrange them the way i should.

Someday, i will know how to.

Someday... just someday, i will truly understand.

Okay, 2009, i am ready now. =)

P.s: I can't believe it. I'm turning 20 this year! :/ :D