Sunday, February 15, 2009

On battling resistance

"And just in case you were thinking of giving in to your own form of resistance, here’s a kick in the pants, Pressfield-style:

“If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children, you hurt me, you hurt the planet,” Pressfield writes. “You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite God Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter further along its path back to God.” "

-Taken from Boundless webzine (Getting Unstuck: Stepping Toward Your Dreams)

Ouch.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Maybe...

... I have been way too ignorant and unaware of what is going on in this world around me.

Always choosing to stay cooped up in this comfortable, rosy bubble of mine.

*Pop*

I'm sorry... Please be patient with me.

For living out what i've learnt has always been disguised as an incovenient choice... or a habit yet to be programmed into my heart and mind.

(The sad thing is, i seemed to be always forgetting what i've learnt after a period of time. =/ Reminders are absolutely essential!)


A form of escape... doesn't everybody has one? How do you stay sane in this messed up world?

But this "escape" that i have, made me face reality with renewed strength and perspective to carry on.

It's more than an escape. It's not an escape, for escapes are temporary and artificial.

Mine works hand in hand with reality.


*sigh* This made my day today =)

Sometimes i forgot there's still beauty in this world and in our lives. I just forgot to choose to look at them more often.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Work in progress

Sometimes you have to be broken
to know what it means to be full
sometimes you gotta fall
to know what it means to stand up tall

so when you're ever there
when life seems unfair
when you've hit the floor
remember, the only way to go is up

so grit your teeth
clench your fists
one thing for sure
you're gonna come out stronger

fix your eyes on the hill
for wisdom, strength and will

- Strife by Markus Ng

-----

I don't know, I don’t know
I really want to, but it doesn't show
My projections, my convictions
Muddled mess, so much confusion
I don’t know, I don’t know.

What do I say when you've heard it all
Excuses, lies, remorse, more lies
Yet still I dare to mouth them words
I'm sorry for how much it hurts and disappoints

I'm not perfect,but I’m gonna try
seek the truth and apply
I want to honestly repent
Give you my 100%

I want to want to love You as You love me too
I want to want to live life as You'd want me to
I want to want to honour You
More than anything I want to want to

I'm not there yet, but I'm trying
Pushing on, oh I'm striving
Wait for me, I'm arriving
So help me God.


- I Want To I Want To by Markus Ng


A lot of his songs really echoed what i want to say, and how i feel, my hopes and my struggles now.

As silly as it sounds (because i don't know him at all until i heard about his death), after reading his blog and what other people has to say about him, his passing away affected me much, also in playing a major part in bringing me back to focus on what really matters - running the race of life that God has set before us with love, wisdom and perseverance, making a positive difference along the way, fighting the good fight and keeping the faith. (now that i remember, God work in ways least expected.)
He's truly an inspiration, painfully honest, so... human.
I can't imagine how much more it pains and hurts for his friends and family to face his sudden departure.
I look forward to meet him in heaven someday.

After all that, and after talking to Sarah Chan today (accompanied with much tears and letting go my emotional baggages), i can say with confidence now that I'm slowly getting back on track after failing in trying to get up again and again for after what seems so long. It comforts me a lot that I'm gonna come out of this stronger. I can finally see small streams of light shining through the tunnel already.

Thank you Sarah and Markus. And thank You God for both of them and my friends who encouraged and supported me.
Thank You God for being so real to me by speaking to me and reminding me patiently in so many ways throughout.

Learning to be present and be faithful in small things.

Just wait. Heading to the 'Promised Land'.
Still in the midst of waiting and rebuilding.
I know it isn't gonna be a smooth path ahead.

Still, i take joy in knowing that something good is gonna come out of this, for all things work together for the good of those who love Him.
(Romans 8: 28).

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

There she is.

Sprawled on muddy ground.

If it wasn’t for the pitch black darkness, one could see her very much tear-stained cheeks.

Confused.

With a tiny hope left in her, she tried using her hands to feel her way on the ground. But that tiny little hope soon vanished after realizing it was no use. She can’t see through the darkness to see what is around her.

Feeling hopeless devastated, alone.

What brought her to where she is now in the first place?

Where, what happened to the fire which gave her warmth and light…and life?

For the first time in a long time, she is feeling helpless – the feeling that made her realize that she is weak. Not a single soul there to lift her to her feet or to shed some light to show her where she is.

Weary, she decided to stop trying to find answers to her many questions.

She closed her eyes and listened.

Wind is blowing. Leaves rustling. Chilly air against her arms and cheeks.

Slowly but surely, she could see the mist ahead of her. She could tell there is a source of light coming but she couldn’t tell where.

It’s coming nearer and nearer. She could feel the significant warmth against her skin.

Butterflies with joy in her stomach, she got up to her feet, afraid at the same time of what is going to happen.

But excitement, joy and desperation soon overcame the fear in her heart and she took a step forward in the lighter darkness.

Fear soon disappears and she took another step forward.

And another. And another. And another.

Her steps became faster and soon she started running.

“Almost there. Almost there. Where I can feel safe, where I belong”, she thought.

It’s getting brighter and brighter. She could see now. Trees passing her by, fields carpeted with grass, shiny with fresh dew.

A sudden empty darkness filled her sight.

She opened her eyelids a lil for a peek.

The same darkness.

“Oh, it was just dream.” She groaned.

She found herself already lying in the ground.

She sat up. Nothing within sight. The silence bore into her ears.

Helplessness and fear filled her heart again.

Where is she?

Suddenly, an ever so familiar gentle voice broke the silence.

“Come on girl, stand up and start walking. Trust me.”

“But, I can’t see a thing! How am I supposed to know where am I going?”

“You will eventually. Don’t worry about it. Just listen to me. Trust me.”

“Okay, if you say so.” She said silently.

Feeling the ground around her, she got up to her feet.

With a deep breath into her dry lungs, she took a step forward. And started walking step by step, carefully listening to the voice guiding her – her only companion, her source of comfort, strength and assurance.

After a few moments, sweet sounding voices interrupted the comfortable silence.
“Oh come on, don’t be a fool! You’re leading yourself into self-destruction! Heck, even a fool knows it is no good walking in the darkness like this.”

“Yeah! You don’t know how dangerous it is. You might fall into deep pits walking like that. Why don’t you just sit down and wait for help? That is always the smartest thing to do, isn’t it?”

“Smartest thing to do huh?” She thought.

She slowed down in her tracks and eventually came into a halt.

Doubts and confusion crept in.

What if they are right?

That gentle voice interrupted her thoughts again.

“Don’t you remember? This was what why you ended up here in the first place. You listened to them.”

She could recall now, bit by bit.

“But they care for me as well! They would want me to be safe!” She argued.

“Yes yes, we do we do!” They chipped in.

“Dear, of course I know that they care for you, but that doesn’t mean what they say is the truth, though they think it is. I have something specially planned for you. And you are to walk differently from how they do. You will look like a fool to them, but trust me, because I know. Do you notice how far you have come?”

Yes, she has been walking for quite awhile now she realized. Though she can’t see a thing, she had been walking on safe paths.

Again, a lot of ‘what if’s came into her mind. She debated within herself. It doesn’t help with the two distracting voices interrupting.

History repeating itself.

No. She decided. She won’t repeat the same mistake again. She had learnt to trust the voice that brought her this far, and she will continue trusting it and allowing it to lead her and be her guide and companion.

She started walking again. Those voices loudly protested. She was so tempted to stop again and listen to them.

But she walked on. And those voices faded. She could continue walking comfortably again.

After what felt like a very, very long walk with some bumps along the way, she noticed she could dimly see her surroundings.

She looked down on the ground at the soft grass she’s treading on.

“Look, you’re almost there.” The voice spoke again.

Looking up, she saw a bright light source ahead.

Excited, she ran ahead a lil to take a closer look of what it is.

There it is - a humongous bon fire. Flames dancing around fiercely with such passion and energy.

Finally feeling warmth hugging her skin again, she smiled for the first time in a long time.

“Yes, I can see it now.”

"Ain't it beautiful? It's been so long eh?"

"Yes it is. I'm glad to be back." She replied with a satisfied smile.