Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Gloom's no longer over me!

Dear blog,

I’m sorry I’ve abandoned you for quite awhile. I have a couple of reasons why I did. I have been quite busy lately. And it’s been quite fruitful. And it felt good. The second reason is that I’ve been quite reluctant and I just couldn’t copy everything I typed from MS Word into your tummy and click ‘Publish’ because I feel so naked sharing my thoughts out like that.

I’ve never felt like that before.

Probably because I actually felt scared to conteng you. I’m afraid of ruining you. By that I mean, I’m afraid I’ll regret writing what I’ve written like I’m proud of it, only to reveal how shallow, prideful and immature I actually am. Or am I? =/

Probably because I have been going through a season of major-minor change, disrupting my comfortable safe routine. It taught me to unlearn it and forced me to go back to square one again. That made me see things in a new light. Like a song you’ve heard too many times but forgot to truly comprehend the lyrics and feel the heart of the song, I think that’s how it has been. It has been quite hard and gloomy and depressing to be taken away of what you thought was your reason to live, only to search and find it again and see it as something familiar but new, and something more.

Probably because it was just winter. I am surprised at myself that seeing the glorious sun bursting through the grey clouds makes me SMILE and makes me want to sing for joy! I have been so in awe of the sun every time I see it on my way to class and back. I couldn't help taking lots of pictures of them (other people will probably think i'm being jakun XD). Wish I could just sit down on the pavement and just enjoy it all day. If only the sun stays there all day (the weather changes every hour). Now that will be phenomenal wouldn't it? ;)

But I want my friends who are reading this to know that, things are finally looking brighter for me now. I am finally climbing out of this tunnel, with lots of help from everywhere – from sunny days, to wonderful people and books, to whispers from the Holy Spirit (though I still yet to understand what it really means to listen from Him.)

I’ve been learning a lot recently. I’ve been learning to treasure every single moment and day. I have had a tiny lil taste of what it means to live life to the fullest. It’s a lot of effort, but tastes delicious. I’ve been learning to see things from the bigger picture. No more dress rehearsals. Every single day counts. It makes a difference. It’s up to us whether it’s a positive or a negative one. I’ve learnt that not everything must be announced to the whole world. As much as I want to share anything good with everyone, there’re some things that have to be treasured quietly in the heart as well. Though I have yet to fully understand and master that.

Perspectives. They make all the difference lah. On how we view things, how we view other people, how we view ourselves, how others actually see us and how we want others to see us.

You’ll be so surprised. You will never know. =/

And how it changes our attitude and confidence towards things and ourselves and other people - for the better or for the worse.

Don't like something? Change how you think about it.

I’ve never realized how insecure I am until I realize how I care too much about what others will think of me recently. I thought I’m over that phase already. Apparently I have not. =(

I miss talking with friends whom I know really well, and vice versa. I miss being myself around people. No pretence of being confident. No empty talks. No high level of self-consciousness.

The other day when we were taking communion during service, I was thinking about what Jesus went through and how He lived His life here on earth.

He was a carpenter. How could it be like as He went through his daily chores and stuff? He had enemies as well. He was not afraid to do what is right even though it provoked anger and negative feelings among some people. He brought a huge change and difference, going against what was deemed correct and what they should do. He was not afraid of going against the norm and living out the truth as it is.

And we are to be like Him. Not to melt into the crowd and settle for the mediocre, but to live extraordinary lives - start by being faithful in small things!

The crown of thorns on His head. The bloody slashes on His back. Spit on His face. Each blow of excruciating pain every time the soldier beat the nail into His hands.

“You mean THIS much to Me. I love you.”, The Holy Spirit whispered.

He placed His love for us on such a public display. I was overwhelmed … and stumped for words.

“How much do I mean to you? Do you love Me?”, He whispered again.

I’m ashamed. I have been such a disappointment.

“A lot. Y-y-yes. I do.”, I tried to reply.

“Show it then.”

Sigh, I need to be conscious of it every single moment. To obey Him and live out His will. It’s all about the people around me, even people on the tram, people walking past me, my classmates, my housemates, my friends. What would Jesus do?

Help me God! To imitate Christ. To be set apart. To know Your heart.

It’s kind of hard to believe how God has been painfully patient with me. Teaching the same things I’m supposed to learn in the beginning, over and over again.

It’s been heart wrenching to read about God’s heart, pleadings and desires concerning Israel throughout their history. How they went through glorious and dark times, and how many times God wanted to give up on them because of their stubbornness but He just couldn’t because He loves them too much. It’s mind-blowing that we, tiny little fragile lost humans, mean SO MUCH to the Maker of the universe!!

This is amazing! Looks like a heart doesn't it?
"WOWW....Thank You God!!!" was all i could say. =))

Gosh, sorry lah. This is such a long post. I think I could go on and on and on and on.

For the days ahead, I want to and am learning to be consistent. I'm glad that I have things to look forward to. I'm glad that life is filled with so much. There's so much we can do, so much waiting for us to be cherished and achieved. Life is filled with endless possibilities!!

It's so good to be still alive. =)

P/s: Pictures were taken by my camera phone. Tweaked their brightness and contrast a lil. =)