Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Reminder to self

Was sorting and looking at old pictures printed months ago and putting some of them up on my "board" a few days ago.

I realized i have forgotten that, wow, i actually have been through quite a lot (i know it's very little by the world's standards, but hey, they formed a big part of me and are precious to me) learning, doing, playing, all the bonding with people, both good times and bad times.

And i realised (or remembered) that I actually have so much to offer. After all the self-bashing, I'd always like to be invisible, thinking that people don't really take notice of me, that i don't matter much, feeling and being insignificant. (Sad, i know.) It's the same cycle all over again, like how i was years ago.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that i haven't been taking myself seriously.

I've belittled the skills and talents God gave me, and most importantly, my character and personality that apparently is unique and not be deprived to somehow "enrich" and bless the lives of people around me (by God's grace).

I've been very irresponsible. Knew it all along but somehow couldn't find the strength to pick myself up. All the laziness and procastination. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

So, come on you. You have so much to share and offer. Your life, your time, your capabilities, talents, skills, and just...YOU. Don't waste it.


Then again, why do i have to rely on what i've gone through to define who i am? Isn't it enough to find your identity in God? Why do we need to have unique identities? What defines it? The people in your life? What you do and what you are capable of? But can you imagine life without them? Why is it such a struggle to lose everything else and just be found in God? ...including your memory..

...thankYou God for this thing called memory. I wouldn't know what i would do without it. It's been depressing to not remember who you are and what you've gone through.

But Paul said:" Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.." (Philippians 3:13)

That just means not living in the past right? Or did he literally mean totally forgetting your past? What about remembering God's faithfulness and all?

Endless strings of questions, again. Not sure if i made the right decision to post all these up. =/

Someone enlighten me please.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

That plane ride

I just wanna say that, i had one of the most interesting plane rides. :)

Thank You God for answering my prayers, and giving me more than what i hoped and asked for!

A seat next to the window and right in front of the toilet (which means there're no more seats behind and we could lie down however low we want).

And next to a nice, friendly guy who's also a final year Pharmacy student in University of Nottingham (which means we actually have quite some mutual friends. Small world. And why is it that i always bump into Pharmacy students??)

And a bleeding wound on my gum (A minor trauma from teeth scaling the other day, and that's why it is good to be so near the toilet :P). That means i've been losing, tasting, swallowing and smelling big chunks of blood for more than 30 hours (Felt super sick of it).

Had very good conversations about lots of things - God (he's a self-confessed atheist), and life in general.

He said something that hit me that went across the lines of :"It's important to be both a good speaker and a good listener. Don't be afraid to speak because it gives a chance to other people to be a good listener."

And lots of other good reminders and stuff learnt throughout.

So, you might not realise it, but thanks Albert! For making this plane ride an enjoyable one for me, for helping me with my luggages, for calming my nerves (I got very scared when my gum was still bleeding quite furiously), for showing some magic tricks of yours (something he does best), and just being an awesome company lah :).

Oh, during the journey at night, it was the first time i could see a whole blanket of stars so clearly from the plane! Awesome-ness. :)

As usual, love the clouds too. :)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Bracing myself...

*Takes in a deep breath*

...for at least another 10 months worth of a ride.

I will choose to rejoice. I will choose to stand on His promises that it's His battle. That pretty much placed everything in perspective.

...despite the several unexpected emotional outburst/release for the past few days. But some good probably came out of it. Sigh. (Okok, i've been sighing way too much. It's becoming my favourite word).

Time to put myself together again.

Bye Malaysia and everything that's in you.

And time to look ahead.

Hello UK, again. Hello challenges and growing up, and new lessons, experiences, perspectives and people.

And i choose to :).

P/s: I apologise if i haven't said bye properly to you or worse still, haven't meet up with you! Especially some of my TOA mates and my NS friends. I'm sorry!!! I've been terrible. Hopefully next year i'd be able to!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Ah...can't help loving my sisters :)

The other day, while the rest of the family were busy with our own agendas after dinner, my younger sisters had their friend, aka the neighbour kid, over at our place.

As girls always do, they would play dress up, had their own fashion show and stuff inside closed doors of our room. (I was busy online outside in the open area as usual :P) But never did i expect them to come up with all these:

Not bad for a 10-year-old and a 12-year-old ay? But my first reaction was to laugh my head off lah! Especially at this one:

Sigh, kids these days.

No doubt about how adorable my sisters are of course. :D

They took my mum's Kodak digital camera, a portable spotlight and striped carpet from my parent's room, my pink caps (one of it is from 2006 B.B Pesta KL group singing competition) and pink ribbon (also a small part of costume from the same singing competition), my guitar, and they turned off the lights in the room except for the spotlight they 'borrowed'.

Seriously, i'm impressed. I wouldn't be able or even have the idea to come up with all that at their age. But i guess i could safely say that the blood of creativity runs in the family ;).

I was also stumped at the sudden realisation of how grown up they are now! Especially as i was talking to them and noticed the way they talk. They aren't the silly, annoying, small lil brats i used to know anymore. Especially my older younger sis, very soon she will be stepping into the world of being a teenager, growing up into a young lady, and.... okay, i refuse to think about it anymore.

On my youngest sister, very often i can't help but to smile or laugh at her cheekiness and innocence and i would wonder how would she grow up to be like. Sometimes i wish she don't need to, so that she won't need to face the world's cold, harsh, cruel reality. Sigh.

Even as i think of all these everytime, i would shed an imaginary (or sometimes a rare chance of a real) tear or two. *sniff*

I think i finally know a lil bit of how my mum would feel. :/

I wouldn't trade these 2 precious girls for anyone else in this whole wide world lah. Same goes to the rest of my family :) (though i remember when i was really really REALLY young, i'd always wish childishly that i could have a better younger brother, or a sister instead of a brother because he was always bullying me and we would always fight. Like really fight, literally, armed with anything we could get our hands on, eg.: badminton racket, wooden stick, books, etc etc. or just our fists. Man, those were the days.)

ThankYou God for giving these precious blessings, for this thing called family and for love. :)

And uh...they will laugh at these pictures in 10 years time :).

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I will declare

Image by D Breezy.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

(The Desert Song by Hillsong)

I've been overwhelmed and amazed at how God's been assuring and reassuring me, especially during camp. Even though it seemed like i've done everything i could do, and i kept trying and striving as though as i've not done enough, God says it is okay. It is okay to feel that way, it is okay to be where I am now. It is not my fault. I've forgotten to cast my cares and burdens upon Him. My faith had been shakened.

I've been afraid. Afraid that I did something wrong that made me end up where i am, afraid that i won't be passionate and on fire again, afraid that God isn't really the God i've known to be, afraid that it is my fault to feel so tired and weary and spiritually dry (which i thought shouldn't happen because we are to live victorious lives in Jesus), afraid of what is waiting ahead of me, afraid and tired of moving forward to face my giants.

Sigh, thinking of all that already feels so draining. =/

But God is faithful through it all. :) Because..

"No temptation (or trials) has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted (and tested) beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
- 1 Cor 10:13
Sue Ann reminded me through her prayer that God's silence doesn't mean His absence.

Ps. Guy told and reminded us that even Moses needed a refreshing though he's been speaking to God face to face, and God gave him some drama to refresh Moses' faith. Even Elijah was tired, weary and depressed, God listened to his nonsense and gave him what he need - ALOT of rest and food, because he still have a great journey ahead of him (God's not done with you yet!). Even John the Baptist who knew Jesus from the womb, needed some assurance if Jesus is really the Messiah, and Jesus reminded him of all the things He has done.

He understands, and He will provide.

And that i am to press on and continue to dig until i find water.

About God's promise about the Promised Land, i've already crossed my Red Sea and I'm in my Jordan river right now, i need to overcome my fear and put my feet into the water.

Fear. Because of fear, the children of Israel didn't get to go into the Promised Land.

I've been seeing myself as small compared to my giants. I forgot to look at the greatness of my God instead.

It's time. Sigh (A relieved one mixed with the one where you get up from the sofa and start walking). It's time soon to step out and move forward again with my eyes on Jesus. It's time to embrace change while being steadfast and live and breathe in the One who never changes.
"He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake." - Psalm 23: 3

"He holds victory in store for the upright,
He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
for He guards the course of the just
and protects the way of His faithful ones." - Proverbs 2: 7-8
Thank You Lord for ALL of Your marvellous goodness and abundant grace and over-flowing love!!! :))

ThankYou also for all the people that i had meaningful, encouraging conversations with during camp, for refreshing me and filling me up again though it's still in the process, for the fun and laughter and "bonding sessions" and just EVERYTHING lah! :)