Wednesday, September 1, 2010


What can i say... It's another year. again. But it's been a year that has made a whole lot of difference, just because of a lot things understood, learning how to piece the puzzles together to see the big picture. Nothing can really (/is supposed to) stand alone. All of us are still seeking in different ways.

"Oh, so this is how it feels like to be a normal person."

I've always felt like i'm a misfit, an outcast, just...not...normal (abnormal doesn't sound right). (It's been one of my major struggles, trying to figure out why am i not like other people, and trying to be like them, to be how i'm supposed to be, what the adults expect me to be, and then always end up being very angry, disappointed, frustrated, confused at myself.) And later on, am i glad when i found out that i'm not alone, and it's not my fault, and how i'm meant to be different this way for a good reason. I guess all of us have our stories of trying (sometimes too hard) to fit in in one way or another, whether it's been for better or worse.

Recently i was basking in the apprehension and perspectives that i've finally reached and grabbed hold of, complacency kicked in, so did death, eventually, in my moving forward. And Philippians 3: 12-16 meant so much more, that life is not so much in the reaching or achieving, just because it's an ongoing thing, it's more about running and enduring the race, facing and fighting our daily battles. It's about the rising up again when we fall, especially when it happens more than we think we can bear.

It's not so much of "Travel is a means to an end. Home." (-Taken from Ikea's print ad on the London Underground tube map). But it's more of "the journey itself is home." - Matsuo Basho.

Right now, this blog is totally white and blank. But that doesn't mean that it's empty. I assume that you'll be smart enough to press CTRL+A :).

So yes, there's actually more to than meets the eye. Get it? :D

Tell me why do i get so so angryirritatedfrustrated when people are quick to condemn, and don't even desire to understand why, about people, especially children who're misunderstood. It'd really make this world a better place to live in.

So, Malaysia just turned 53 yesterday.

I'd rather us stop building taller, bigger, nicer buildings, and revamp the whole education system so that everybody will learn to start asking questions and to think on their own, and have all political leaders go through an open interrogation with a lie detector and for those who need it, rescue them (and us) from their immaturity.

They say our national anthem is a love song.

Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku,
Rakyat hidup, bersatu dan maju,
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan,
Raja kita, selamat bertakhta.
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan,
Raja kita, selamat bertakhta

I realised after U.K, i now mean every word when i sing it.

It's good to know that there's still a long way for us to go. So much to look forward to. Hmm...

Monday, May 17, 2010

What I've been up to in my room

Just to amuse myself. :P




Pardon the mess. It's been quite awhile since i last had such satisfaction *sigh*, that makes it all worth it. :) (Though i don't know what tomorrow holds, i trust. Glory to Him who has made everything possible! It's been really quite a miracle.)

I know, i know. I'll be back (blogging i mean) after tomorrow, for real :). It's been such an awesome ride, though it didn't feel like it (far from it) when i was in the middle of it. But through it, wow... my eyes opened to so much beauty, epiphanies, of people, of THE BIG PICTURE, of so much! That the more i experienced and understand, the more i am convinced and convicted of this Truth i've been holding on to, the more i am overwhelmed by the beauty of it, the grand scale of it, of how everything unfolds, connects, overlaps... right, my words could hardly do it justice.

I have so much that i want to share, but i have no idea how am i going to put them in words. I doubt i can. Doesn't matter, i'll leave that till another day. 

Or maybe some things are just meant to be felt and experienced, not to be translated into words or understood through them?

But right now, the soundtrack will be this:

Joyful, Joyful
Lord, we adore Thee!
God of glory
Lord of love
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Hail Thee as the sun above
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Drive it away
Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us with the light of day
Light of day!

- Joyful Joyful by Sister Act 2 

Woohoo! Praise the Lord! :)

P.S. : Oh yes, of more recklessness with words when you're happier. I might regret this later, but it doesn't matter. :)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The best for us

Today, Carmen's mum said across the lines of, there's no need to compare our lives with others because God gives us the best for us, therefore whatever we have now (our lives, the people we're with, including the ones we dislike), whatever we're going through, is already God's best for us, now, in this present moment and season.

Wow, what a thought.

It's only natural for some of us to think that the best is yet to come. And we're always waiting, and waiting, and waiting, for the best to come. But i guess i should stop waiting, for God has already given me the best, but i've not been contented but blinded with greed and dissatisfaction and threw silent tantrums, always wishing i'm elsewhere, living in my somedays instead of being present.

It's like looking at others having mouth-watering yeow char kwai, assam laksa and satay celup, and you want those too, but your mum says:" No, you are sick, and those are very unhealthy for you, now, eat up your veggies and swallow up your bowl of (yucky) chinese medicine that i've made for you, out of my love for you."

What's best for other people, doesn't mean that it's the best for me, just because each of us is wired differently by our Maker. Though God owns the whole universe, the best that our heavenly Father can give, will be more than what we can imagine, but what He wants to give, might not be the great and wonderful things i expect, but He knows us inside-out and what we need, and He will deal with us in ways He deem best for each of us, individually, tailor-made for who we are. And the fact that He wants the best for us, He gives not just the second best, but the best to us, for us

His own life and this intimate relationship with Him are the best things for us that He has already given. But sadly, i've taken them for granted, sometimes even forgotten and didn't treasure these precious gifts (paid with a very heavy price) as much as i should.

As i'm typing this, i'm reminded of Sarah Lim's post on choosing God day by day. Since God has already given His best for me, it's my choice, my responsibility to choose Him, to choose and live the best He has already given.

Enough of driving myself insane with so much negativity (and sorry for spreading so much negativity too, it's so energy draining). I will learn to choose to see that the cup is half-full, not half-empty.

Maybe i should play the glad game. (Now that the sun is out and the days longer, it'll be easier).

And yes, the best is yet to come. But for now, this, today, would suffice, because it is already the best.

Romans 8:28 looks different but clearer now. :)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

sank in

Monday, March 1, 2010

Every Season

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer 

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn 

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter 

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring


It's been painful, but I'm grateful.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Our dreams drench us in senses, and senses again steep us in dreams.

The meaning of the details and everything is totally AWESOME! Found this at Jun Mei's .

Now i wish i stayed in TOA a lil longer to learn typography, though you guys had been saying that it's such a pain in the *ss.

"If eyes are meant for seeing
then beauty is its own excuse for being."
"Sound conducts the symphony of life. "
"Everyone eats & drinks
but few appreciate taste."
"Nothing conjures a more vivid memory
than a familiar scent."
And my favourite:
"The sense of touch
adds dimension to our existence."

"A is for another try. "
- Brent Barson 

Friday, February 5, 2010

Innocent eyes

 I adore her eyes.

A quick 1-hour-plus-to-2 hours sketch (Wasn't really aware of the time). My first (rough) figure in a long time. I think my drawing skills deteriorated quite abit, but thankfully not too much.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, going through another season of breaking and change (in the mind). It's been painful and hard. I guess, finally, the thought that life IS  indeed hard is being drummed into my mind and being. Taking the effort to find joy in the midst of sorrow is daunting, but necessary, to stay sane. (That's why Christimas is totally needed in December. It gives people a reason to celebrate in the cold, depressing winter.) The thought of growing up and being responsible (plus the loneliness) has been overwhelming at times. I realised my feelings plays a major part of my being. I actually have to muster up the strength to feel responsible in order to be responsible. I can hardly imagine becoming like people who don't really feel. It'll be like an empty shell, very machine-like. (No offence to people who don't really feel :P. Of course, you have huge advantages.)

I've learnt to rest in being 'on the way' instead of feeling the need to finish or to reach the destination as soon as possible. Though sometimes i long for the time where i could 'settle down', have everything sorted and figured out, and to be able to rest. But, slowly and surely, i'll be there.

Maybe ignorance IS bliss.

But too much bliss can destroy, i think.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


by U2

Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace, it's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt, what once was friction
What left a mark no longer stains
Because Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace finds goodness in everything 

Sunday, January 10, 2010

All that probably doesn't matter

I can forget about everything else if i don't seek God and His will first, and allowing His lordship over me and my life. Period.

Didn't think it'd be spiritual. I felt SO MUCH BETTER after being prayed for. A full armor of God i'll put on.
Thank You God for this timely and desperately needed help and reminder.

And thanks Angel (a very apt name given :).

Are You Ready?

"...because love covers over a multitude of sins."

-1 Peter 4: 8b
Something i did for my fellowship's Retreat (to be held on the first weekend of Febuary 2010).

On the back cover it says:
"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."

-Matthew 24: 42-44

That long overdue New Year post (2nd attempt)

So i've spent my New Year's Eve working at Mr Man's (a chinese restaurant). I quite enjoyed it- plus i'd rather be indoors being useful than being outdoor freezed into an iceblock.

Entertainers were hired, which comprised of a quite elderly lady singer (she has a good voice for her age IMHO) and a guy playing a keyboard. A reasonable-sized dance floor was opened and people started dancing towards the end of the night (especially some elderly couples - which i thought were so sweet! :)

At the border of 2009's end, we all took a break from whatever we were doing and celebrated together the coming of 2010. With May's arm on my shoulder, we counted down and sang 'Auld Lang Syne', while watching people dancing, cheering and being happy.

I agreed with Gretha (my fellow receptionist :) that celebrating New Year in the whole atmosphere of the restaurant feels different, but nice.

So i was quite happy.


In 2009, besides all the failures, shame and bumps along the way, I'm glad that it's been quite a significant year of growth, understanding and seeing things clearer.
Among some of the life-changing significant events/experiences were:
  • Going through my first winter.
  • Experiencing real snow for the first time.
  • Dancing with Nusantara.
  • Going for New Word Alive conference.
  • Going for my first backpacking trip- in Pisa, Rome and Florence, with Fiona.
  • Finding out how profound Yasmin Ahmad is as a person after her sudden death.
  • Knowing and understanding more about people (including myself), meeting new ones and forging closer bonds with some old ones.
  • Finishing my first year of university and going on to the second one.
  • Starting my part-time job.
  • Turning 20.
Some of the things to remember in 2010:
  • Be balanced.
  • "No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up."
  • I'm stepping into my final year of university end of this year (!).
  • I'm no more a kid.
  • But don't lose your child-like faith.
  • Live your waking moments. Take one moment at a time.
  • Don't let your passion die but renew yourself in God's presence everyday.
  • It's a relationship.
  • "Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about."
  • You're just a tiny lil dot in The Big Picture.
  • But you play a crucial role in making a difference.
  • You're still a work in progress.
  • Give your best in all that you can do.
  • Trust God in what you can't.
  • Being punctual is a choice!
  • Be more optimistic.
  • Celebrate even the small things
  • Love.
  • Rejoice!
Today, already 10th day of the year. 355 more days for the year.

Though, Malaysia have not had a good start for the year, very sad and discouraging in fact. But quite an eye-opener as well. 10 more years to 2020. Can we actually achieve a 'fully developed country' status in 10 years time?

Start. Beginnings. Who defines where and when are the starting points anyway? Just because we live in the dimension of time, every passing second is new, clean, unwritten, waiting to be filled with choices, and the rewards and consequences that comes with it. And who knows, pleasant surprises in disguise may come too?

Maybe because i've been dragging this post for way too long, i think i've lost 'it'. I've got too much to be translated into words. much for wanting this post to be short and sweet. Nevermind.

Being ready is probably a choice too.

2010, you're going to be a great year- not in the sense that everything will turn out well, but because God is good and His intentions and purposes are good.
 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

-Isaiah 43:18-19 to click the 'Publish Post' button and get it done and over with!

    Tuesday, January 5, 2010

    The girl on a swing

    Image by rosieaprilleeson

    So i could finally draw a line across "Do something to my boring/ childish/ totally uninspiring blog header." on my to-do list.

    Think the girl in that photo above looks similar to the one in the header? Yep, i used this photo as a reference. Boo~ :P

    Our somedays will soon be todays and then they will eventually turn into yesterdays. Our yesterdays used to be somedays that became todays and end up what they are now - yesterdays.

    I will live my todays as todays, and let my yesterdays be yesterdays, and knowing that my somedays... will become todays eventually.

    And my days are my lifesong to my Maker, my story in His Grand Story.

    I will learn to make that choice everyday.

    For some reason , i find that there's always something beautiful about an image of a girl on a swing...

    Maybe because it is the thought of being totally worry-free and responsibility-free that is inviting (Is that also called laziness?). In total peace. Being able to forget the need to be concerned about time passing by and being able to be idle-minded or daydream into my somedays.

    Or is it because of the thought of being off the ground and pretend to be able to fly...

    ...but not going anywhere.

    Isn't that self-deceiving?

    At least i can still Hope.

    The image of 'a girl on a swing' in my mind has always been one sitting on a swing.

    I guess it's time for her to stand.