Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A new song

In 2011, i've come to know failure and battle. It was the hardest i've had so far (no doubt there'll be more in the future). Was literally driven to my knees daily by desperate tears, fears and hopelessness, and came to that place where i have to cling on to the truth that God was my only hope. It was such a humbling and life-changing experience - i realised i've never really failed in life before.

It was as though God gave me a lil reality crash course on what Joshua experienced - except that Joshua's zeal seemed so consistent in his life and death circumstances, and i was being such a pathetic coward - i barely made it.

But God in His grace and mercy, dragged and pulled me through. Much happened in-between, where God Himself really provided and grant me grace beyond my imagination. And I graduated.

This time, I can truly, really, boast that it was ALL God, none of me, who did this.

Now I understand what this means:
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 
- 1 Peter 5:10

... The person sitting next to me, in an attempt to make conversation, said,  
"So, you're the leadership consultant." (I love that opening line—usually delivered with a hint of sarcasm!) Then he asked, "What do you think is the most important characteristic a leader must possess to be successful?"
My honest response was: "She or he must have been broken—physically, spiritually, professionally, personally, relationally—and then gotten up, dusted themselves off and continued forward with the wisdom from that loss seared in both mind and heart. I would never follow a leader that is unbroken. He or she lacks the compassion and humility to lead others."
John Busacker (Why You Need To Fail on Relevant Magazine)

Oh, and good old Violet :) :
" I feel different. Is different okay?"
- Violet (The Incredibles, 2004)

In the same year, I found rest. Rest, especially from going through change and transitions since coming to U.K. It has been a constant moving and travelling for the past 3 years - moving from house to house almost each year, lost count of how many hostels (thanks to our dear zealous Fiona :), loads of packing and unpacking, hellos and goodbyes, departing and arriving, airports, train and bus stations, different time-zones, languages and cultures, people, seasons and weathers.

I've never felt so worn out, but at the same time i've never felt so lifted and built up.

My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I’m walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out
I need You, oh I need You
Blessed savior come
I need You, oh I need You
Fill the every longing of my soul
Oh how I need You Lord
I need Your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today
And my bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end
A downward spiral of despair
That I keep falling in
Your silence is like death to me
So won’t You hear my desperate plea
Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They are all just passing by
Its not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I’ve been lifted higher
Yahweh’s lifted me in His own strength
Oh how I love You Lord
I love your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see
The God who always will endure
Now I will celebrate
For all the thousand ways
That you have shown me grace
And made my heart in grace to stay
You made my heart in grace to stay
Lord, make my heart in grace to stay
I need You, oh I need You
- I Need You by The Swift 

As i reflected on life thus far towards the end of 2011, wrapped it up, shelved it, said my goodbye to my Egypt and wilderness, I realised what comes next would be a totally different season, i can hardly even begin to imagine how it'd be like.

My word for 2012 is to sing a fresh, new song, one day at a time. "The old has passed away, ... the new has come."

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
- 2 Cor 4:18

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